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Timothy Stall
I came to
history of the Roman Catholic Church, I had a vendetta against Christianity. My
knowledge about the Bible and prayer became grounds for attacking them.
I realized I was an atheist when riding my bike home in a thunderstorm.
Normally such circumstances can cause a fear that temporarily makes one
appreciate God. But even then, I decided that God didn’t exist. My fate would
be determined by the natural laws that guided the lightning instead of an
intervening "God".
Since few Christians actually thought about why they believed, few could
rationally defend their reasons for believing. It almost became a hobby to go
to church and drive intellectual stakes through their hearts. However, upon
being introduced to the works of C.S. Lewis and the like, I began to see that
dismissing all Christians as brain-washed laymen would not be
intellectually appropriate.
Although the Christians didn’t have the logical answers to my questions, many
of them had something far more important- friendship. This tricked me into
going to several church outings. After one such outing, I got into a
several-hour debate with three older people. It was an indecisive stalemate.
Eventually, I told them that God wasn’t decisive. I felt "God’s
presence"
was the same regardless of whether I did "Christian stuff" or not.
Before, I reasoned that this was because God didn’t exist, so whether I
believed in him or not, it wouldn’t change anything. I felt the same because it
was the same. At that moment, it seemed as if a thought was somehow just laid
on my mind, like a gently falling feather. When I was younger, despite I lacked
all the ritualistic, religious stuff, I had still devoutly loved God. It would
then seem reasonable that in turn God would love me too. However, if when I
turned around to essentially spit in his face, he still loved me, it would also
still be the same- God would still have been with me.
The thought that God would "stay with me" despite my hatred towards
his existence was the straw that broke the camel’s back. I, a broken camel,
then made a decision. The three other Christians and I went outside into the
cold November night. We went across the street to a park in which I prayed a
prayer of repentance. I wanted to love God back.
I don’t remember the exact words of the prayer- petty words were insignificant
to the yearning motives. I do remember making a definite decision that I was
going to take Jesus as both my Boss and friend. God wants to make us in his
image. With my current state then, he had a tough job. Jesus made some big
promises- he would protect me, guide me in
decisions, and lift me up from my state of useless misery. Unconditionally, he
delivered on every promise- and so much more.
I think that God can’t tell me his plans for my life because if he did, I’d
mess them up. So although I’m clued about my future, the past has been an
amazing recovery. Wow. If any secular counselor could do one millionth of the
good that following Jesus has done, they would be a world-famous,
multi-billionaire.
But of course, giving your allegiance to Christ doesn’t mean everything will go
your way. Rather, when you become a Christian, everything comes your way. But
when I compare the two parts of my life- following Jesus and atheism,
the contrast is blinding. The proof is in the putting, and something about this
Jesus guy literally saved my life.
Tim
e-mail:
j
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